First of all, if you’re here, you’re probably spiraling down, so here’s some reminders: You are not a terrible Mom. You do love your child. You are going to be ok. You’re still a christian (or maybe not, welcome if you aren’t). It’s ok to be sad. Repeat it again if you need to and actually let the words sink in.
Now, let’s talk about what to actually do.
1. Acknowledge your sadness to others. The most helpful thing for me hands down was saying out loud to a friend that I was not doing well, and felt depressed. I had to give it some space in my dialogue, face it a little more directly, and honestly just say the word “depressed” outloud. I had a general feeling of hopelessness and so much fatigue. After each time of saying it out loud, the darkness would seem to dissipate a bit, and I could breathe a little easier knowing that I wasn’t the only one bearing the truth of it. You really do need other people to just simply know.
2. Sing. The second most helpful thing was to sing. Mind you, I am not the best singer. I am not a particularly musically talented person in general, but singing helped me get it out, put it somewhere, and do something with my sadness. Every morning when my husband would leave for school and I’d be left alone with my baby, I’d sing this excerpt from 10,000 reasons:
The sun comes up
It’s a new day dawning
It’s time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass
And whatever lies before me
Let me be singing
When the evening comes
This particular call really prepared me for the day. When the baby was crying, when I was doing the dishes, when I was just sitting there being sad, I’d find a desire in me to still be singing when the evening came. It was a mantra of my purpose before the Lord and a deep determination to do this work and still be singing.
3. Maintain Relational Stability. This is true 100% of the time in my life, but relational stability feels incredibly more dire in this sensitive season post-baby. I need to feel connected to Nolan (my husband). As one of my pillar relationships, he is one of my greatest physical support beams, so mending up seams or fractures is especially important when the internal workings of my heart are feeling bleak. If you had an argument with your husband (or wife if you are a man reading this, or your partner, or your good friend), or you felt missed, or you sense that he’s annoyed with you, confront it out right and do the hard work of wading through it, together. Apologize when you’ve wronged them, and forgive graciously. Communicate that you are on the same team. It’s so important you both feel that and say it out loud.
4. Attend Events. I need events that get me out of the house, but you may need events that keep you in the house. Whatever it is, you need something to look forward to, to keep you busy and your mind off of the unending monotony of your baby and you. Plan something, anything, and make it something you like or your other kids like so their joy can rub off on you. I personally need weekly events, so I have some kind of rhythm to a week and time is not this vague twilight zoneish thing. Plan to go to a park, children’s museum, library, coffee shop, a walk, a potluck, Church, farmer’s market, anything.
5. Walk. Here it is: “Did you know the rhythm of walking, has been proven to stimulate the connection between the right and left hemispheres of the brain and, in turn, facilitates emotional processing? It’s the same basic foundation of EMDR work. (EMDR is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy treatment that is designed to alleviate the distress associated with traumatic memories. In fact, EMDR founder Dr. Francine Shapiro discovered the process while walking” (ANDREA MIKONOWICZ, MFT). It’s scientifically proven, and for some reason very hard to do sometimes. Get out and walk. Drive to a nature trail, get on the treadmill, walk around your house. Winter, Spring, Summer, Autumn. Throw on on the baby carrier and strut your stuff.
6. Cut Down on the Media. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all know it’s not good for our brains. It’s just a constant stimulation button, wearing down our serotonin receptors, making us less happy and ironically less connected to people. If you need to be reminded just how much social media can contribute to anxiety and depression, here’s an article about it. Sometimes it helps to hear it again. Limit it, delete it all together, fast from it. Just keep your distance and create some healthy boundaries.
7. Create One, Fun Daily Ritual. My daily ritual is green tea and a dark chocolate bar in the afternoon during my oldest kiddo’s nap. You’d think I would make it Bible reading, but apparently I’m not Christian enough for said things. hah! (just kidding) Regardless, it’s very accessible, delicious, and gives me a little happy boost.
8. Eat Well. Another no brainer, but one we always need reminding of too. I want this to be a very broad eat well- like eat that chocolate bar well and feed your body well. Listen, everyone needs some comfort food now and then. Make it one per day so that you can savor it and actually enjoy each bite. I also completely understand the difficulty in feeding not only yourself, but also every one else in your family (if you’re the primary cook) while you have a baby attached to you literally 24/7. Here’s a list of easy recipes for you to sift through . Prep some meals if you need to, do a meal planning delivery thing, or use the crap out of your crockpot. You don’t have to get cute with it, just keep to the basics and prioritize nourishing your body.
9. Sleep. LOL. I always thought this was hilarious when I’d come across this in my own scourings to combat PPD. Like, how? Well, I’m not sure. But when you can, do it. Put down the phone, the book, leave the dishes. I know how horrible it is to use your only free time of the day sleeping. It feels so unfair. Like, I just want to use the 2 (if I’m lucky and no kid wakes up) hours between 8 and 10 for me time. 100% get it. But introduce some discipline in your life when you need it, pull the covers up, and go to bed at the last feeding of your smallest kiddo one day a week or something. It will help.
10. Prioritize Time with Jesus. Last but not least! Listen, quiet times are aloof after having a baby. The sleep factor is just intense- give yourself grace. I actually found my time with Jesus being a lot more in the moment, application moments to be exact. For example: Praying for patience internally when my two year old says “Mammmmmaaaa” in the most whiny voice ever for the 5,000th to tell me he can jump really high, or reconciling with him after a complete toddler meltdown, or weeping to God while trying to get my 5 week old to sleep. This time of Motherhood is spent discipling my kids. But all that to say, it is still so crucial for us to have some sort of time alone with God spent reflecting and meditating on truth. I don’t know your schedule, so I can’t put it in there for you, but you need solitude and connection with Jesus, and it is a priority. He is not afraid of your depression or disappointed in you because you have it. He gets sadness. Let him care for you in this very hard season.
Be brave, friend. You can do this.
